“Do you see me?” This is the big question your child is asking every day. “Can you recognize me for who I am, different from your dreams and expectations for me, separate from your agenda for me?”
Shefali Tsabary, PhD
This Week’s Topic:
We explore the impact of parental self-reflection and communication on children’s development. As parents, we have the responsibility to model positive behavior and provide a secure, encouraging environment for our children.
Key Takeaways
- Parental Self-Reflection is Crucial for Breaking Cycles: True change in parenting begins when parents honestly confront their own flaws and mistakes.
- Parental Words and Actions Have a Profound Impact: A parent’s verbal and non-verbal communication significantly shapes how children perceive themselves and their ability to navigate the world.
- Conscious Parenting Involves Continuous Learning and Adaptation: Effective parenting isn’t about innate perfection but about ongoing education, humility, and a willingness to make massive changes.
Reese, 14-year-old in 8th grade, was getting ready for school, still shaken by a fight with a friend the day before. She hadn’t slept well and felt anxious about facing her friend at school, unsure how to handle the situation. Suddenly, her mom entered her room, expressing disappointment about missing assignments. The complaints continued to pile on: Reese’s messy room, not walking the dog, fighting with her brother that morning. The list goes on and on….
Overwhelmed, Reese starts feeling angry and sad. She could either snap back, leading to an argument with her mom, or worse, she could remain quiet, holding everything she feels inside.
Does this sound familiar? I think this might be a common scene in many households every morning.
I’ve Been On Both Sides Of This Story
As a child, many times I felt powerless under my parents’ criticisms or outbursts. There was nothing I could do to stop what was happening around me. Most of the time, I fought back—that was my coping mechanism. In a stressful and unsupportive environment, I had to find my own way. I told myself my life wouldn’t always be like that; everything would change after high school. I believed it with all my heart, and that hope sustained me.
But I’ve also been the angry mom. For years, I spoke without a filter. The impact of our words, our yelling, our venting, weighs heavily on our children’s hearts and minds. I didn’t truly grasp this until my older son was in college.
Looking back, my husband and I were more focused on the “achieving” aspect of parenting-how to help our son to be “successful” in the most traditional sense. We didn’t consider as carefully as we should have the impact of all the pressure we put on him. We didn’t ask many questions either, believing we knew better and simply telling him what to do. We were absolutely wrong, but we didn’t realize it at the time.
It took a major shift in our lives for me to truly see myself and my family. It was incredibly painful to see all my flaws and the damage I had caused. Even after more than a decade, it is still painful, and I constantly work to manage the deep guilt I often feel. Yet, I consider myself blessed to have a second chance to make things better. To do so, I knew I had to educate myself from the ground up, be humble, and make significant changes. That’s the journey my husband and I embarked on over a decade ago, rebuilding our family almost from scratch.
Now, I’m aware that everything I say, and even my non-verbal language, profoundly impacts how my children see themselves and the energy they have to face the world. It is a monumental task, and honestly, it can be overwhelming at times. But to me, that’s the essence of being a mother: the responsibility to be the best version of myself. In a world full of change and uncertainty, I can be the positive energy, the loving embrace, the certainty, the strength, and the consistency my children need.
Conscious Parenting
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of the renowned book The Conscious Parent, Transforming Ourselves, Empowering our Children and many other bestsellers, shares a story about a mother struggling with her unhappy daughter, who blamed her mom. The mom blamed herself and was consumed by guilt.
Dr Tsabary told her: “(This) is where your power begins, not in blame but in conscious responsibility. See, parenting isn’t about getting it right. It’s about growing with what went wrong. It’s about holding your child’s truth, even when it hurts to hear it. That’s how we break the cycle.”
When we, as parents, look in the mirror and acknowledge our mistakes and flaws, that’s the moment for a new beginning. From self-reflection, we can start our journey to healing and freedom, for both our kids and ourselves.
Kids Don’t Come With A Manual
As a young mother, I believed that having a child meant I had a piece of playdough I could mold into the best possible shape. I wanted my son to be happy, and I thought happiness came from being successful in life. This came from a place of love; I loved my son more than life itself and wanted the best for him.
It is excruciating, after years of believing you’re headed in the right direction, to discover you’ve been mistaken. I was, and it nearly crushed me. But I knew I had to act quickly. So, I read every book I could about parenting and understanding children’s personalities. I spoke with therapists and doctors, learning about mental health, how to recognize our children’s needs, and how to help them. I devoured information, took notes, absorbed as much as possible, and began making changes.
A dear childhood friend visited me years ago, and it was the first time she saw me with my baby girls. She was surprised by the way I spoke to them: asking questions, listening to their opinions, using a calm voice even when they were upset. She wondered where the impatient and reactive Silvia she knew had gone. I explained that I realized my past self, my “raw state,” wasn’t helping my children or me, so I decided to change. I don’t do it perfectly, but I try my best every single day.
I know I have the power to control myself and change my ways so my children can grow into happy adults, and I can be their source of peace and courage.
We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. Aren’t we teaching our kids that they deserve to be yelled at, scorned, talked down, or whatever reaction we might have when we’re upset? We are modeling the way they believe they can be treated.
You and I have the power to control ourselves and be the patient and loving parents we aspire to be. We might not succeed every single day, but perfection is the enemy of good.
Our children need us to help them find their calm and strength in this chaotic world.
They’re counting on us.
What is the major struggle you had faced so far in your parenting journey? Hit reply and share it with me.
I believe in you.
See you next week.
With love,
Silvia
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