Discover simple ways to get your teen talking, build trust, and create stronger parent-teen communication.
“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior.
Andy Smithson, LCSW
The sign of truly great parenting is the parent’s behavior.”
Why Connecting With Your Teenager Feels So Hard
Parenting a teenager can feel like learning a new language. One day, you’re laughing together and sharing everything. The next, you’re lucky to get a one-word answer.
It’s easy to take this shift personally. But from puberty through early adulthood, teenagers go through major developmental changes. When we understand these changes, we can support them—and keep the bond alive.
When Your Child Suddenly Feels Different
One of my daughters was incredibly affectionate as a child. She gave long, heart-melting hugs that made you feel like she wanted to become one with you. It was beautiful.
Now, things have changed. I still get hugs, but they’re shorter. Instead, I often get eye rolls or reminders that I’m “too old” to understand.
It’s tempting to argue or prove that, with decades more experience, we do know better. But pushing too hard often backfires. Teens want independence, and if we block that path, they’ll either push us away or submit resentfully. Neither helps them grow into confident adults.
Understanding That Every Teen Is Different
Siblings may share the same home, parents, and routines—but they still grow up completely different. That’s because every child has a unique personality.
As parents, our job is to adapt. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Each child needs a slightly different approach, and part of connecting with teens means meeting them where they are.
Teen Identity and Self-Esteem
Adolescents are busy figuring out who they are. This often makes them feel like the center of the universe—like everyone is watching and judging them. That’s why when we downplay their struggles, they often react with frustration.
This identity search also makes their self-esteem fragile. Even if we’ve spent years building it, teens may stop believing our compliments: “You only say that because you’re my parent.”
This is where process-based praise matters. Instead of focusing on the end result—like a high grade—we can recognize the effort:
- “I saw how hard you studied this week.”
- “You didn’t give up, even when it was tough.”
Praise that highlights effort- not just their achievements-helps teens build confidence in themselves.
Teens Still Need Rules and Structure
It might surprise some parents, but teenagers crave structure just as much as freedom. Rules provide stability, clarity, and healthy boundaries.
- Involve them in rule-setting. When teens help shape the rules, they’re more likely to respect them.
- Keep rules fair and realistic. Avoid excessive or unnecessary restrictions.
- Respect goes both ways. Knocking before entering their room or listening and taking into consideration their opinions show trust.
When rules are clear and balanced, teens feel respected and supported—not controlled.
How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You
Getting a teenager to open up isn’t always easy, but it’s possible with patience.
- Ask their opinion often. Show that you value their perspective.
- Listen without interrupting. Keep questions minimal and avoid lecturing.
- Don’t push. If they’re not in the mood, give space and try later.
- Start small. Side questions (like asking if they’d recommend a movie, instead of asking how their night went) can spark bigger conversations.
Avoid being judgmental—about them, their friends, or others. Teens who sense judgment will quickly stop sharing.
Having an open communication with your teen is not an easy task, but it’s well worth the effort. As Drs. Greenberg and Powell-Lunder write in Teenage as a Second Language:
“Teens who are able to confide in their parents are more likely to have high self-esteem, be free of depression, have high quality friendships, and show positive school adjustment. In addition, these teens tend to be more resilient and have an easier time dealing with the challenges of everyday life.”
A Parenting Lesson From the Fitting Room
Recently, I overheard a mother in a store insisting her daughter model every outfit, even the ones she didn’t like. The tone was harsh, and the daughter’s discomfort was obvious.
I’ve made plenty of parenting mistakes myself, so I didn’t judge—but it made me wonder:
Would we speak this way to a friend or a coworker?
If the answer is no, then we shouldn’t speak that way to our children. Our kids aren’t possessions. They don’t belong to us. Our role is to guide, respect, and support them as they grow into their own people.
The Bottom Line: Connection Over Control
A 2006 study involving nearly 5,000 adolescents, titled Parent-child connectedness and behavioral and emotional health among adolescents and published in PubMed, concluded that “Valuing friends’ opinions over parents’ opinions, and perceiving low parental communication and caring were associated with unhealthy weight control, substance use, suicide attempts, body dissatisfaction, depression, and low self-esteem.”
Nothing matters more than the quality of your relationship with your teenager.
Not every disagreement is worth a battle. Sometimes the best response to “Whatever, you don’t get it” is to let it go.
By focusing on respect, encouragement, rules, and open communication, you can strengthen your parent-teen relationship—and build a bond that lasts well into adulthood.
Our (moody) teenager is worthy.
Share one rule that is working in your household. Is it helping you build connection with your teenager? Share in the comments.
Thank you for reading. See you next week.
With love,
Silvia
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