Learn how to protect children from toxic achievement pressure and raise healthy, happy achievers who know they matter unconditionally.
“Adolescents who reported that their parents valued character traits as much as or more than their performance exhibited greater mental health, enjoyed higher levels of achievement, and engaged in less rule-breaking behavior than peers who believed their parents were primarily focused on how they were performing.”
Jennifer Breheny Wallace
As parents, we deeply love our children — yet we carry our own anxieties about their future.
We know the world has become more competitive, and success now demands a mix of skills, accomplishments, and adaptability. Out of fear, many of us start our kids very young, hoping to give them an advantage — a safety net against uncertainty.
We’ve become a society obsessed with metrics. Testing has become part of our children’s lives since they were toddlers, constantly reminding them that every grade could impact their future opportunities.
But it’s our own fears and anxieties that can unintentionally hurt the people we love most.
Our words may say “I love you just as you are,” yet our actions might communicate something else. Our expectations, our reactions to achievements and shortcomings — these are what truly shape how our children perceive our love. They are always reading between the lines.
After being completely goal-oriented and achievement-focused parents with our older child, and realizing all the mistakes we made, my husband and I decided to take a more intentional approach with our daughters. We now focus on their effort and dedication rather than just results or grades. We remind them often that it’s okay to make mistakes — that failure is not the end, but a necessary step toward growth.
However, while researching for this newsletter, I realized that even with the best intentions, I might not always be sending the right message. My expectations for achievement are still very much alive, and as our daughters go through middle school, I can feel my own anxiety about their future creeping in. It’s a reminder that I must stay conscious of managing those fears and keeping them in check.
That’s why I found the book Never Enough so inspiring. The book’s research, insights, and practical suggestions offered a much-needed perspective on how to raise resilient, healthy achievers — kids who feel valued for who they are, not just for what they accomplish.
The Hidden Cost of Parental Pressure
The parent-child bond is the most important relationship for a child’s mental health. When that bond feels conditional, criticism can feel like rejection — a loss of love.
In time, children may feel they must present a perfect version of themselves to earn affection. They begin to internalize high expectations as the measure of their self-worth.
Parental pressure can show up as hyper-vigilance over grades, excessive involvement in schedules, or harsh criticism when kids fail to meet expectations. In their minds, these metrics become conditions for being lovable. Falling short feels like a personal failure.
Anxiety, depression, and loneliness among kids refers to an unmet need — the need to feel valued unconditionally, beyond grades, trophies, college acceptance letters, or social media likes.
An Epidemic of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression Among Youth
We are facing a national mental health crisis.
A report by the CDC published in 2024, found that 39.7% of high school students — and nearly half of female students — experienced persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness. 20.4% seriously considered attempting suicide, and 9.5% attempted suicide.
Social media has intensified this problem, amplifying comparison and self-doubt.
Academics, athletics, and extracurricular activities have become fiercely competitive. Many children have little say in what fills their schedules. Every minute seems managed to “maximize potential,” leaving little space for rest or play.
Our children are carrying the heavy burden of conditional worth — the belief that they must be perfect to be loved. They’ve learned to tie their value to their GPA, college acceptance letters, or online popularity — not to who they truly are.
Growing up under relentless pressure increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.
How to Raise Healthy Achievers
As parents, we must redefine our goal: to raise healthy and successful kids — not to choose one over the other.
Our children must feel like they matter.
It’s not enough to love them unconditionally — they must feel that love is unconditional. Kids interpret our emotions through our actions, not only our words.
Research shows that a strong sense of mattering — the belief that we are valued and that we add value — sets healthy high achievers apart.
Mattering fuels confidence, resilience, and connection. It shapes the way we handle failure, praise effort, and communicate love.
As Jennifer Breheny Wallace explains in her book Never Enough, here are four ways to raise healthy achievers:
1. Foster a Sense of Mattering
- Communicate unconditional value. Tell your children they are loved for who they are, not just what they do.
- Praise beyond achievements. Notice and name moments of kindness, persistence, or empathy — not only success.
2. Cultivate Resilience and a Healthy Relationship with Failure
- Reframe setbacks. Teach kids that mistakes are opportunities to grow, not reflections of their worth.
- Celebrate progress. Focus on effort and improvement, not only outcomes.
3. Redefine Success
- Encourage internal metrics. Redefine success as personal growth, fulfillment, and meaningful relationships — not external validation.
- Find a “why.” Help kids connect effort to a deeper purpose that motivates them intrinsically.
4. Promote a Supportive Environment
- Model balance. Share your own ups and downs to normalize imperfection.
- Build strong relationships. Connection and care build real resilience — far more than independence alone.
Advocate for change. Support schools and communities that prioritize mental health over relentless achievement.
Final Thoughts
Researchers have found that after food and shelter, mattering is one of the strongest human needs.
It drives belonging, connection, fairness, and purpose. Yet, too many kids today believe they matter only when they succeed.
Working hard and achieving goals are wonderful — but when self-worth depends on achievement, it leads to anxiety, burnout, and depression.
The constant race to be “exceptional” has become unsustainable. Our children are growing up under the tyranny of metrics, often since preschool.
The gap between what a child can do and what society expects them to do is widening — and it’s harming their mental health.
As parents, it’s time to nurture a child’s sense of mattering, so they can meet life’s challenges with confidence and balance.
We love our kids and want them to thrive — but love must be felt as unconditional.
When we support who they are instead of only what they do, we raise children who are not just successful — but whole.
Let’s start changing the conversation — from achievement to mattering.
What small shift can you make this week to show your child they’re valued just for being who they are?
Share your ideas below and inspire others to do the same.
Thank your for reading. See you next week.
With love,
Silvia
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