When managing a family becomes easier than connecting with each other.
After more than three decades of marriage and raising three children, I’ve learned something that I wish I’d understood earlier: being a good parenting team and being a connected couple aren’t always the same thing.
My husband and I can spend an entire day talking.
We talk about our daughters’ schedules, school, appointments, activities, and everything that needs to get done around the house.
We talk about parenting strategies, something we’ve become especially intentional about over the years. We share articles, books, podcasts, and ideas about what we’re learning and how we can do better.
And I love that about us.
But sometimes I wonder: When was the last time we spent time together without talking about the kids or something that needed our attention?
Because somewhere along the way, it’s easy for a marriage to become a very efficient partnership.
And efficiency isn’t the same as intimacy.
When did we become such good managers?
I don’t think couples wake up one morning and decide to stop nurturing their relationship.
It happens gradually.
First, there are babies who need everything from us. Then toddlers, school schedules, activities, homework, teenage emotions, and a thousand little responsibilities.
We become experts at dividing tasks, solving problems, and making decisions.
And when we finally get a quiet moment together, what do we talk about?
Usually, the next thing that needs to be done.
Even going out together doesn’t necessarily mean we’re connecting. We can go to dinner, see a movie, or spend an evening away from the house and still spend most of our time discussing our children.
There’s nothing wrong with those conversations.
But if all we talk about is the life we’re managing, when do we nurture the relationship we’re sharing?
Our marriage is part of our parenting journey
One thing I’ve come to appreciate is how much our relationship influences the way we parent.
Our experience raising our oldest son changed us. Looking back, there are decisions we wish we’d approached differently. Those lessons led us to question our assumptions, read more, listen more, and become more intentional about how we raised our daughters.
And we’ve done much of that work together.
We don’t always agree immediately. Sometimes one of us sees something differently, and we have to talk it through.
But having someone beside me who is equally committed to learning and growing as a parent has made a difference.
We remind each other of what we’re trying to accomplish, especially when emotions get in the way.
And our daughters are watching.
They’re learning about relationships not only from what we tell them, but also from how we communicate, disagree, apologize, support each other, and reconnect.
I don’t believe parents need a perfect relationship to raise emotionally healthy children. No relationship is perfect, and families come in many different forms.
But I do believe that the way we treat the people closest to us teaches our children something about love and respect.
And that makes caring for our relationship even more meaningful.
But we’re more than parents
Here’s something I’m still learning.
Our marriage deserves attention not only because we’re raising children together, but because we’re two people who chose to share a life.
Before the schedules, the responsibilities, and the endless parenting conversations, there were two people who wanted to know everything about each other.
We had dreams, interests, stories, and conversations that had nothing to do with raising a family.
Those people are still here.
We’ve changed, of course. After so many years together, how could we not?
But maybe part of maintaining a long-term relationship is continuing to discover who the other person is becoming. Not assuming we already know everything. Not confusing being physically together with being emotionally connected.
And not waiting until the children leave home to rediscover each other.
Connection doesn’t have to be complicated
I’m not suggesting we need elaborate date nights or romantic gestures every week.
Sometimes connection is simply making space for a conversation that isn’t about responsibilities. Asking a question we haven’t asked in years. Sharing something that’s been on our minds. Laughing together. Putting our phones away and being genuinely curious about each other.
And yes, sometimes intentionally deciding that tonight we’re not going to spend the entire dinner talking about the kids.
I’m still working on this.
Because after so many years of building a family together, talking about our children comes naturally.
But I don’t want us to become so good at running our household that we forget to nurture the relationship at its center.
Our children are an important part of the life we’ve built. But our relationship deserves a life of its own, too.
A question for you
When was the last time you and your partner had a conversation that wasn’t about the kids, the house, or something that needed to get done?
And if it’s been a while, maybe that’s a good place to start this week.
Not with a grand gesture. Just with a little curiosity about the person beside you.
We’re all still learning.
Thank you for reading, see you next week.
With love,
Silvia
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